Houston, this is Condor.
We are doing an E.V.A. of the payload.
We are about to present the module with--
What the--
Oh, my gentle Jesus.
Houston...we have a problem.
Launch procedure commence.
Oh, God!
And I’m spent.
Do you smoke after sex?
I don't know, baby. I never looked.
Oh, Austin!
What shall we do now?
Well, I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we shag?
-Again? -Sure, baby.
We're only up to chapter eleven in the "Kama Sutra."
Don’t you want to try the wheelbarrow...
or the praying donkey...
or the Chinese shag swing?
I’m going to get us some more champagne, jungle boy.
Are you OK?
I’ve never felt better, Austin.
All right, then.
I’m just gonna go watch a movie.
"In Like Flint." That's my favorite movie.
Vanessa.
What's going on?
I don't know what you mean, Austin.
I’m the same Vane--
You must be--
Tu imaginacion esta jugando con ti, querido.
Oh, my God!
You're a fembot!
No shit, Sherlock!
Machine gun jubblies?
How did I miss those, baby?
Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.
Right. Oh, my God!
Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers.
A kamikaze bride from me--
Dr. Evil.
Oh, thank God.
I can't believe Vanessa...
my bride...
my one true love...
the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy...
was a fembot all along.
Wait a tick.
That means I’m single again!
Oh, behave!
Yeah!
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Halt!
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Look!
How are you?
Good to see you.
What's that?
Yes. Yeah, that. Good one, man.
What's goin' on here?
Good to see you guys.
Good to see you.
Rabbis, how are you?
Nice meat.
Photo op.
L'chaim!
Yeah, baby.
Keep a close eye on that Kreplachistan situation.
Yes, sir.
Jerry! Jerry!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
If you just joined us, today's topic is...
”My father is evil, and he wants to take over the world.”
OK, let's meet Scott Evil.
Hi, Scott. Nice to have you with us.
Tell us about your father.
My dad is the head of a worldwide evil organization...
with aspirations of world domination.
Pretty serious stuff. Where is he now?
He's, like, cryogenically frozen...
orbiting the earth or something.
That's what you think.
We have a surprise for you.
Let's bring out Scott's father Dr. Evil!
What?
General, we've got a situation here.
What is it, Sergeant?
Hello, Scott.
Daddy's back.
How could you do this to me, on national television?
Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.
Why'd you run out on me?
Because you're not quite evil enough.
Well, it's true.
You're quasi-evil.
You're semi-evil.
You're the margarine of evil.
You're the Diet Coke of evil.
Just one calorie. Not evil enough.
What are you, some kind of freak?
-Shut up, you-- -OK, come on.
I’ll kick your...punk.
Bring it on, skanky--
All right, come on.
No one talks to my son like that. It's OK, Scott.
You mother--
You were born in your mother's--
I’m OK. All right.
You were born in your mother's--
I’ll kill you both!
There you go!
Great!
I got your hood!
Settle down.
It’s OK.
It’s only a television show. Calm down.
I’m all right. I’m easy.
-Everything OK? -OK.
Get this jerk out of here.
I’ll give you--piece of--
He's biting me!
The...is biting me!
The world is mine, you--
You've got mail.
Hello, Basil.
Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?
It turns out that Vanessa was a fembot.
Yes. We knew all along, sadly.
Anyway, I have a new assignment for you.
You're scheduled for a photo shoot...
and one of the models works for Dr. Evil.
Groovy, baby!
Shaguar, ho!
Show me to the models, baby.
Let the magic begin.
Who have we got today?
OK, great.
Austin Powers, I’ve heard a lot about you.
I’m Rebecca Romijn.
I don't believe I’ve had the pleasure.
Well, of course you haven't had...
the pleasure, Rebecca.
We just met, baby. Yeah.
Who are you, baby?
Ivana.
Ivana Humpalot.
Excuse me?
And I vanna toilet made out of solid gold...
but it's just not in the cards, is it?
You know...
OK, everyone, let's get started.
Yes, beautiful. Feeling it!
Let's get some smiles. It’s all in here.
That's it. Yes!
Let's let the inside out.
OK, you're an animal!
Yes, there we go.
You're a tiger!
You're Tony the Tiger!
You're grrreat!
Very good. Loving it.
Now you're a lemur.
Running as a pack.
We go left.
We go right.
There's a predator out of the jungle.
What's going on?
Burrow!
That's right, you’re a lemur. That's all you've got.
You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting.
Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Viet Cong.
And look.
I’m not even shooting you. It’s crazy.
And I’m spent.
Right, that’s a wrap, everyone.
Miss Humpalot.
Da, darling?
Shall we?
Give me moment, hmm?
Dr. Evil, several years ago...
we invested in a small Seattle-based coffee company.
Today Starbucks offers premium quality coffee...
at affordable prices.
De-lish!
If we shift our resources...
away from evil empires and towards Starbucks...
we can increase our profits five-fold.
Number Two, I make the decisions here, OK?
I demand a little respect.
Dr. Evil, you have a little of the...
Silence!
I will not tolerate your insolence!
Frau Farbissina, wie geht es ihnen?
Sehr gut, Herr Doktor.
How are things?
I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name.
To my right is my lover.
We met at the LPGA Tour.
Her name is Unibrau.
Right on.
Welcome, Unibrau.
What?
A little milk...nose...mustache.
I know.
Meant to.
That's how we drink it in Belgium.
Called a Belgian dip.
While you were frozen...
we began a program to clone you.
Cool.
Send in the clone!
He is exactly like you in every way.
Except one eighth your size.
Breathtaking.
I shall call him...
Mini-Me.
Your stock is rising, Number Two.
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Mini-Me, are you hungry?
Something to eat?
Not even a Hot Pocket?
An Eggo?
No,we don't gnaw on our kitty.
Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone.
Just love him and stroke him.
As you know...
every diabolical scheme that I have hatched...
has been thwarted by Austin Powers.
And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
'Cause you never kill him when you get the chance to...
and you're a big dope.
Down, Mini-Me.
Austin Powers always defeats me because he has mojo.
Mojo?
The libido. The life force.
The essence. The right stuff.
What the French call a certain...
I don't know what.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I’ve developed a device for traveling through time...
which I call a “time machine.”
Using this “time machine...”
I’m going back to the Sixties and steal Austin Powers' mojo.
If you have a time machine...
why not just go back and kill Austin Powers...
when he's sitting on the crapper or something?
How about no, Scott?
OK?
Why not use your knowledge of the future...
to play the stock market?
We could make trillions.
Why make trillions when we could make...
billions?
A trillion is more than a billion, numnuts.
All right, zip it.
-You can't even-- -Zip it.
Zi-i-i-p.
Look, all I’m--
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it “A.”
Number Two, would you please back me up?
-Look, I’m Zippi Longstocking. -l can't--
When a problem comes along
You must zip it
Zip it good.
Frau, would you please--
Subtitle: “Zip it.”
-I’m just trying to-- -Zip.
Would you like to have a suckle of my zipple?
-l want you--Stop-- -Zip.
Listen--All--You know--
You're like a child--
Talk in--If you-- Just--One time--
Zip it. Unveil the time portal.
As you know...
Austin Powers was frozen in 1967.
Therefore, I will travel to 1969...
two years after he was frozen.
He'll be helpless.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I’m about to travel through time.
I bid you adieu.
I’m OK.
Not turned on, I suppose.
Do you think you could...
Yeah, thanks.
Come, Mini-Me!
Don't be scared, Mini-Me.
Welcome to 1969.
Thank you, Number Two.
You look so healthy and youthful.
Well, thank you.
Herr Doktor.
And Frau, you look so...
Right.
I received your memo from the future.
Your new lair is up and running.
Is it a hollowed-out volcano like I asked for?
Of course.
Good.
Then it's all going perfectly to plan.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
When did you get the Clapper?
November 1964.
Dutch East Indies. Shore leave.
Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
I can guess, baby.
We play chess.
I guessed wrong.
It takes a keen intellect to play chess.
I assume you know how to play.
Of course, baby.
What to do, what to do.
Let me ask you a question.
And be honest.
Do I make you horny, baby?
Do l?
Do I make you randy?
No more games.
Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you...
but I find you so...
sexy and...
Just make love to me.
Now, Austin Powerovich.
Hurry!
You're hairy like animal!
Grr, baby! Very grr!
Make love to me, monkey man.
Dr. Evil, I don't understand...
how we can hope to steal Austin Powers' mojo.
We've tried this before.
The security around Powers is foolproof.
But this time we have an operative...
inside the Ministry of Defense.
Really?
Yes, really.
He's stealing Austin Powers' mojo even as we speak.
Really?
He's a disgruntled Scottish guard...
known for his lethal temper and his unusual eating habits.
He weighs a metric ton.
His name...Fat Bastard.
We've had reports there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense.
The contents of this room are vital to the country.
Be on special alert.
Yes, sir.
And try to lose some weight, for God's sake.
Mr. English colonel tellin' me to lose weight.
I’m a hard case, he says.
Well, listen up, sonny Jim...
I ate a baby!
Oh, aye, baby. The other other white meat.
Baby: It’s what's for dinner.
I’ve got your mojo now, sonny Jim.
What's wrong?
Crikey!
I’ve lost my mojo.
Austin, the test results confirm...
that you've lost your mojo...
and it couldn't come at a worse time.
We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine...
and has traveled back to the year 1969.
Luckily, we, too...
have developed a time travel device...
to transport you back to the Sixties.
This is where you input your destination.
Wait a tick.
Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967...
presumably, I could go visit my frozen self.
But if I’m still frozen in 1967...
how could I have been unthawed...
in the Nineties and traveled back--
Oh, no, I’ve gone cross-eyed.
I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing...
and just enjoy yourself.
That goes for you all, too.
This is smashing, Basil.
I go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo...
defeat Dr. Evil, and be back in time for tea.
Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah!
Move! Move!
Sorry.
I bet that's expensive.
Sorry.
Easy!
Stop it now, Austin!
Here we go.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Godspeed, Austin Powers.
I’m home!
I’m back in the Sixties, baby, yeah!
Get your hands off my Heinie, baby.
Who are you today, baby?
My name is Robin Swallows.
Swallows. That's an interesting name.
Maiden name's Spitz.
Which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?
Those are skintight.
How do you get into those pants, baby?
You can start by buying me a drink.
I want! I want!
Better play it cool. Your friend works for Dr. Evil.
And just who do you work for, baby?
Tell me, Mr. Powers...
do you swing?
Are you kidding, baby?
I put the “Grr!” in “swinger,” baby!
Then why don't you come right...
over here.
I can do that.
Prepare to die, Powers!
Use the machine gun!
Say good-bye, Powers!
Use the bazooka!
The fall will kill us both, Powers!
You can't win, Powers.
Why won't you die?
Care for a ride?
Go!
Austin Powers, I presume.
Powers by name, Powers by reputation.
Felicity Shagwell, CIA.
Shagwell by name...
shag-very-well by reputation.
Oh, behave!
Not if I can help it.
You know what's remarkable is how much England...
looks in no way like Southern California.
Crikey!
We've got company! Looks like one of Dr. Evil's assassins.
Steady now.
Hands up!
Do you remember me, Austin Powers?
I don't recall your name but your...
fez is familiar.
My name is Mustafa.
And I’m the man who will be killing you now.
Daktari!
Who sent you?
You'll have to kill me.
Who sent you?
Kiss my ass, Powers.
Who sent you?
Dr. Evil.
-That was easy. -That was.
Why did you tell us?
I can't stand to be asked the same question three times.
It just irritates me.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Why would he tell me?
I’m just one of his low-level functionaries.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
You'll have to torture me. I’ll never tell you.
-Where is Dr. Evil hiding? -Damn! Three times.
He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.
Where's Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
I spit at the question.
Do I really have to ask you two more times?
Go to hell, Powers!
Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
I will take it to the grave with me.
You have to answer. He asked you three times.
The second question was...
”Do I really have to ask you two more times?”
That would be the first question in a new line of questioning...
and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
He's right.
However, I’m just trying to get information from you, man.
I don't need any consistency in the questions, do l?
No. You're preaching to the converted--
If I’m preaching to the converted...
then why are you being so slavish...
to the three-question form?
You're not even looking at me, man.
Now you're just being rude, you know what I mean?
You're not listening, man.
Oh, crikey!
Well, Austin, I think this time you have finally met your match.
Oh, no, baby.
I’ve beaten Dr. Evil before, and I’ll beat him again.
I was talking about me.
Hello up there!
I seem to have fallen down a cliff.
I’m still alive, but I’m very badly injured.
I think my legs are broken. I’ll try to stand.
Yes, they are broken.
Perhaps you could toss me a band-aid...
or some antibacterial cream.
I’m in an extraordinarily large amount of pain.
The bone has gone through the skin.
I fear it might be gangrenous.
The wound is beginning to smell a little like almonds...
which is not good.
Please?
No one?
Sorry.
I’ll try the other leg.
Two of my assassins are dead.
I will not tolerate failure.
I’m the man who will maintain the dignity...
of this evil organization.
What the hell was that?
Volcanic eruption!
May I present to you my spy in the Ministry of Defense...
Fat Bastard.
First things first!
Where's your shitter?
I’ve got a turtle head poking out.
Charming.
I’m not kidding.
I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.
It’s squidgey!
Christ, I’m getting all emotional from it, you know?
Right.
Fat Bastard, could I have my mojo, please?
Where's my money?
All right, give him his money.
Jesus Christ, he's tiny!
I’ve had bigger chunks of corn in my crap.
Wait a minute.
He kinda looks like a baby.
Come here! I’m gonna eat you!
I’m bigger than you.
I’m higher on the food chain.
Get in my belly!
Come on!
You're lucky, wee man!
Can I have a hug?
Let me make you a deal, all right?
You get the mojo, you keep your money...
and I’ll get your baby.
Right.
I want my baby back, baby back
Baby back, baby back, baby back ribs
I want my baby back, baby back
Baby back, baby back, baby back ribs
Excuse me.
Chili
Baby back ribs
Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers?
Austin Powers is no longer a threat to me.
I have his mojo.
All right, everyone, you're dismissed.
Private time.
Dr. Evil, I don't want this to interfere with our work.
Don't worry, mama.
Things won't get weird.
One for me...
and one for my homies.
Herr Doktor.
So what happened here?
Apparently a rogue agent named Fat Bastard...
infiltrated the unit...
assigned to guard your cryogenic chamber.
He used some sort of nerve gas.
These men don't remember a thing.
Captain, why don't you...
cross-check Fat Bastard's profile...
with the mainframe at Langley?
Yes, ma'am.
Can I borrow that, please? Thank you.
Look at me. I’m a sexy bitch, baby. Yeah!
You're a Popsicle, yes.
And I’m spent.
Let's go, baby, yeah!
Hey there. How are you?
Come on, Felicity.
Yeah, babe.
Shall we sit down?
This is great.
Groovy!
So, Austin, what's the future like?
Well, everyone has a flying car...
entire meals come in pill form...
and the Earth is ruled by damned dirty apes!
Oh, my God!
Had you for a second.
You can have me for even longer, if you want.
You're one groovy baby...
baby.
Too many “babies.”
Don’t you dare move.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach...
and Mr. Elvis Costello.
What do you get when you fall in love?
A guy with a pin to burst your bubble
Would you care to dance?
I'd love to.
For all your trouble
I’ll
Never fall in love again
I’ll never fall in love again
Don't tell me what it's all about
'Cause I’ve been there and I’m glad I’m out
Out of the those chains, those chains that bind you
That is why I’m here to remind you
What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
I’ll
Never fall in love again
I’ll
Never fall in love
Again
You're quite good on your feet.
I’m even better off my feet.
Oh, behave, baby.
-Hi. -Hi there.
How are things?
Good, Herr Doktor. And you?
Great.
Just taking a break?
Try the Hot Pockets. They're breathtaking.
It got weird, didn't it?
-Ja. -l knew it.
You haven't called.
We talked about this.
We promised each other it wouldn't get weird.
I can't let my feelings for you interfere...
with my taking over the world, you know that.
You know, I will never love another man.
Yes, that's true.
Dr. Evil, I’m late.
No, you got here right on time.
No, I mean “I’m late.”
Dad.
Hey there, sport.
What are you doing here?
I was just thinking that maybe we could work all this out.
After all, you are my father.
Scott, you had your chance, OK?
I already had someone created in my image.
He's evil, he wants to take over the world...
and he fits easily into most overhead storage bins.
Him?
Look at him, he's crazy.
He's like a vicious little Chihuahua thing.
He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Probably.
I love you.
I am a sexy bitch. Yes.
Felicity, make yourself at home, baby.
What do you think of my shag pad, darling?
It’s amazing, Austin.
Wait a tick.
That's how my mojo was stolen. Fat Bastard.
She's a professional agent.
She's not interested in shagging!
Please, God.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.
Austin, I’m waiting.
How about one of your world-famous massages?
You mean a sensual massage?
Right, then.
OK, here we go. Yes.
Wait a minute, something's itching me.
That's better.
Crikey.
How does that feel, baby?
Lower.
How does that feel, baby?
What?
You don't have to be cute with me.
We're way past that.
We are?
What do you think?
Listen, Felicity...
I’m sorry.
I can't do this.
I have to go.